I’ve always been a dreamer, the type to believe that the world should be a better place, a simple world with rights and wrongs clearly defined. I’ve grown enough to see the grey areas, but I’ve never stopped dreaming about an ideal world; it is partly wishful thinking, partly coping mechanism in the world that has a lot of sufferings. Ultimately, I dream of a world where everyone is happy and no one hurts one another, because I do believe that we are all connected.
Growing up in Viet Nam, where gang activities are serious and the public safety is questionable at best; and the States, where it seems those who have money held the real freedom – and in turn, the freedom of the people, I was disappointed with what I see and hear every day, so much so that I withdrew into myself. I’ve lost a lot of my initial enthusiastic to contribute to society, and turn my head away from seeing the world for fear that if I continue to see the suffering, I would either break or be influenced by the corruption I see. Despite the fear, I still have the urge to do something to help, so I pursue International Relations degree; inwardly, I was still fearful and regardless of how I turned it in my mind, trying to look for a silver lining, I still see that I’m heading to a place that is going to be full of pain for me. I’m still too idealistic, too sensitive, and still struggling to understand myself, so I wasn’t sure what I can do. I might have an idea of where I want to go with my life, but I’m stepping blindly forward, and all I can see is me fighting with politicians without the slightest idea on how to win the arguments.
I dislike confrontations, but my fighting spirit didn’t let me give up on the idea, so I’ve been pretty torn. It didn’t help that I’ve been dealing with depression and BPD for the past couple years. I didn’t want to be in a constant battle with other politicians, but I still want to be one more voice that speaks up; so I talk to a good friend of mine, who managed to help me to see it from another perspective. I have been too stubborn and only look at it from only one point of view, haha. In hindsight, I should have talked to my friend sooner, instead of running around inside my head like a hamster.
He helps me to see that there are other ways to fulfill my desire to help by helping me understand that I cannot help others if my strength is depleted, that I should be doing what makes me happy and spread the joy around – it is a more effective method than carrying the gloom and assuming that I need to do everything, be everything, and I am grateful for that.
Now that I understand that in order to add happiness to the world, I have to be happy first. It means I need to step back and look at the big picture, to step back and see both the paper and the black dot, not just the black dot on the paper’s center.
I need to take a step back, take a deep breath and center myself. I still believe in an ideal world, and I’ll keep following the path that leads to it. I’ll still continue my studies, but I’ll keep my views on a global scale and not be so stuck into the problems of the world, and focus on what will make me happy first.
During the talk with my friend, we discussed hopes and dreams, and I found out that whenever I think of creating arts, I get so happy, so driven, and only then did I realize how much art means to me. I mean, I love gushing about games and spend countless hours reading Mangas and sighing dreamily while browsing pictures, but I didn’t actually make the connection (I can be pretty dense sometimes xD), and was surprised at how excited I feel at making arts. I’ll pursue my interest in this, and create joy for myself and spread it around. This should be fun ^____^ I’ll still be in Poland until I get my Bachelor in IR, but I’ll do some research and enroll myself in art school. I can’t wait until I can create fan arts, and hopefully in the future I’ll be working with a game studio cranking out deliciously great looking games. I do wanna be like CD Projekt Red when I grow up 😉
What can I say, I’m still a dreamer 😛 I have regained my spark, and I’ll run with it. An ideal world is possible, and we’ll get there someday.